Beginning the process of figuring myself out
I wonder what happened to me. When did I become so afraid? Afraid of people not liking me (even when these people have done nothing but welcome me with open arms), afraid to be happy, afraid to be proud, and many other things that I'm sure I'll bring up later.
I feel like I'm not allowed to be happy. When I feel proud of myself for accomplishing something, instead of continuing and actually feeling better about myself, I stop and then get angry at myself for failing. I guess most recently I did this with my knitting. I was happy and proud of myself because of it, so instead of finishing the project I was on, I stopped. That's how I have been my whole life, when I feel proud of myself, I have to destroy it. I am a highly self-destructive person.
I can't count the times that I've done stupid things. I have learned to forgive myself for most of these things, but there is one very stupid thing that I did that I am still angry at myself for. Back in '95 my father and I had a fight, and he told me to get out of his house. I was hurt and angry, so if that was what he wanted, then fine, that is what I would do. Later that day he called and told me not to leave, and that we would talk when he got home from work. But I didn’t want to hear it. I had enough and I was going to leave. So I called my "friend" and we took all of my stuff and left. And when I say all of my stuff, I mean everything including the bed, dresser, everything that I had. I didn't leave a note or anything, I just left. I see now how stupid that was, and that once again I was just running away from my problems, but at the time I thought I was doing the right thing. Tony and I were dating then, and even though he tried to tell me how wrong this was, I didn't want to hear it. A few months later, my mom came and to this "friend's" house. I left her house with the clothes on my back and my computer. What I couldn't or didn't take with me I lost. I have nothing to give to my kids because of my stupidity. I'm sure some of you are thinking, why is she beating herself up over something that she can't change? Well, I'm angry at myself. I can't believe that I was such a fool. And then when I think that even if I can't forgive myself, then I can at least forget about it, my dear loving father brings it up in front of everyone at Christmas. I admitted to him and everyone there, that I knew it was stupid and that I regretted doing it. I don't know if he really believes that or not.
When Tony, Joe and I moved to our apartment, I decided to go back to school (correspondence school) so that once Joe was in school, I would be able to start working again, but instead of just working in retail, I was going to be a computer repair tech. I would do my assignments, lab work, and I even built a siren. I was learning, making a better life for myself. (Anyone notice how I said was and not am) I paid them a lot of money, but what do I have to show for it? Nothing! I failed. I think about going back, but I can't trust myself. I can't trust that I won't destroy myself again.
I have no drive. I don't want to work at a supermarket or a bookstore again (not that there is anything wrong with that, but I have to believe that I'm meant for more than that). But if I sit here and whine about it, nothing will change. I guess I have to start small. I have to finish the knitting project that I'm in the middle of, and even make Joe another scarf. Hopefully once I see that I can follow thru with that, then I'll have enough self confidence to believe that I can follow thru with my school.
I'll keep you all informed. Hopefully I'll have good news soon.